I Blog because it’s the only place where I can be heard. Still not everyone will hear me, many don’t care to but at least my writing is like throwing hundreds of darts at a dart board. Some will stick. Likewise, someone will read and hear my words. Still more profound, my words may change their lives for the better by helping them avoid the same pitfalls I had to fall into in order to learn.

I was seldom heard growing up, never heard in my marriages and the problem escalated into my relationship with my beautiful daughters; one in particular. I believe my relationship with my husbands were their examples. They didn’t hear me, causing my emotional outbursts, which lead my daughters to believe I had nothing of value to say; therefore, I was not valuable.

This is what happens in bad marriages especially when the narcissistic abuser refuses to seek therapy and instead openly blames the spouse who reacts to their abuse; the abusing spouse uses these outbursts as proof of their reacting spouse’s instability. This is a lie of course, but for someone like me who grew up with abusing sisters and an abusive father, this lifestyle felt normal and hurtful laced with extraordinarily fun experiences all at the same time. Easy to blame myself back then for the painful times.

Today my abusers, mostly family, are still calling me unstable because of my outbursts in response to their abuse. Interestingly, none of my abusers would entertain having therapy together in order to get to the bottom of the problem I supposedly had. Yet I believe I know what the problem was and is, still today. It’s called jealousy and greed.

Back then my husbands went through the motions of getting help then quickly evaluated the process as stupid; another dismissal of me. My one very abusive sabotaging daughter just downright refused to go to therapy with me. Over and over during many years I would suggest to my daughter that we go to therapy to solve our problems once and for all.

She has always refused.

It appears like she fears she’d have to give up blaming me for everything if she did go to therapy with me. I don’t know. Hard to tell through her cryptic, blaming words. Actions are my only barometer.

Oh, and the twenty plus years relationship with my Larry, with whom communication is like butter. We have never had a fight in all the years we have been together.

I’m confident my abusers would have something to say about this that’s negative, insulting and blaming.

Trust me I know what my problems are. I was raised with so much abuse around me, clearly not from my mother, but from most everyone else in my family that somewhere inside of me I believed what I saw in both of my husbands was “Love” for me, until we married and then my ugly reactions started towards them like I reacted towards my father and sisters. In my first marriage I thought it was me, then I just chalked it up as a bad marriage; mostly because I was independently wealthy at a young age is what I surmised, which has a lot of truth to it, but added to this I am very capable and can do just about anything if I put my mind to it. In other words, one cannot have funds, talent and youth at the same time. You will pay dearly for it!

Narcissistic abuse wasn’t an item back in the sixties and seventies.

In my second marriage, again there was “Love” for sure this time, but as soon as we married his abuse raised my ugly reactions as in my first marriage. This time the subject matter was his emotionally abusing my daughters, especially my oldest. Then she started abusing me. I wasn’t going to fail again is how I felt and so I went to work reading everything I could find on relationships, marriage, Law of Attraction, health and raising healthy happy children, which I felt confident about, because I believed strongly that little ones had opinions, feelings and talents just like adults and they need to be heard and encouraged. So, I had this right, only my second husband didn’t adhere to this belief, though originally, he claimed he did, and so we had grand battles; mostly with my oldest. And though she saw me strongly stand up for her she blamed me for the problem and acted out by attacking me in any way she could think of that would hurt me deeply. I understood, that likely my daughter wasn’t feeling safe enough with her stepfather to give him her opinion, so she’d attack me. What’s more I started to wonder if my daughter was jealous of me?

I insisted again that we get family therapy, but no one would participate, and eventually my whole family turned against me, taking their stepfather’s/father’s position. Yes, we had a third daughter, she too joined the tribe against me. My girls were all grown up by this time, during which I was slowly falling apart emotionally year after year after year, but at the same time honing my skills as a photographer, fashion designer, gourmet cook, water and snow skier, Reiki Master, dance lover, health advocate, entertainer and taking good care of my family.

We had all the makings of a beautiful family; money by which to enjoy life, (my money as my parents had left me an inheritance when they died) our health, many activities, traditions, friends, two gorgeous homes and travel. But the abuse was rampant in our family; I saw it, knew it and was constantly wanting to get the help we all needed and this request of mine allowed my then husband to spread his rumors about how sick I was, using terms like Bipolar, Personality Disorder, and Mentally Ill. Of course, he shared this with my daughters who had been watching my emotional outbursts for years and so it was.

Mother is sick.

In my brain I knew I wasn’t! I had read and learned so much about abuse and what it does to people, even shared many of these books with my girls, but my daughters had learned not to listen to me, after years of my husband’s abuse. We were all suffering from his abuse.

I finally left, after twenty- four years of marriage, in a heap of uncontrollable tears. More ammunition for my husband to show the world how nuts I was/am. Only I had read “Emotional Intelligence” and knew very well that I was finally only listening to my very intelligent God given emotions telling me to run not walk away, and I should have done so years earlier. Although, the abuse escalated as I grew as a person and as an artist. It started slowly like my talents.

Looking back, staying is my biggest regret, leaving sooner would have saved my three beautiful daughters from their grief; would have saved our relationships. The worst part of our relationship is they all have little respect for or trust in me. Therefore, they don’t believe me. This alone will prove to be devastating.

Because what I didn’t understand then, is my battle on this earth, had just begun far beyond all the broken relationships, while at the same time had the relationships with my daughters been good, what was to come for me likely wouldn’t have happened, or at the very least would be over by now.

We should have been able to work together as a team up against horrendous financial crime that affected us all, and I believe the reason behind my second husband’s abuse and refusal to get therapy. He had been embezzling my daughters and my trusts for years, as our trustee, and laundering the funds into his failing business so he could sell it for millions which he did. The money divided between him, his two brothers and parents leaving my daughters and I with nothing but much talent; something my ex has never possessed. His violent jealousy and crimes forced me to be living in the streets while my family is still blaming me, because they don’t believe the financial crimes. Why? Because my ex-husband just says, “She’s mentally ill”, as his cover up to the crime, while he hands over another thousand- dollar check to each of his girls for birthdays and holidays. Mere tokens to what they are all worth, in their own right, and his manipulation to keep them close, away from me where I might possibly get my girls to believe me and the truth.

Today my ex-husband and financial advisor wife have an investment company, their financial foundation? My daughter’s and my millions of dollars. They are the Bernie Madoff couple of this era.

Curious as to who they are? Where they practice. Would you like to invest with them?

My family still calls me nuts, just like those who reported Bernie Madoff years ago, and so not heard until it was too late.

It is said, money is the root of all evil; I would venture further and say, it’s the root of severe jealousy, and should you be young and wealthy, (an heiress or successful actor for instance) using your funds to better yourself and develop your talent, you’re in real trouble in this world.

Today I live in the middle of being shunned out of jealousy for the money I once had and talent, while I’m working hard to rebuild what my jealous ugly ex husband embezzled from me, and to keep himself safe from authorities he showers my daughters, in small increments, of their own funds. To make himself feel powerful he invests funds for his and his wife’s clients. All funds embezzled from my daughters and myself.

Yes, I was raised with everything; considered spoiled by those who didn’t have economically what I had. They didn’t consider anything about me, had no clue to what my currency was, (my middle daughters loving evaluation of me) The downfall in my life was I have worked so hard to prove I wasn’t an heiress who fell back on my funds, but instead wanted to use the funds I had to educate myself, and use my God given talents to create, which made me too busy, and faithful, to notice the financial crime taking place under my nose.

I’d say my efforts were a testament to my great character. A testament to my heritage, and love of my family, yet the jealous couldn’t see anything but what I had monetarily, instead of what I generously shared and the effort I put into growing, learning, building and giving.